I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
