so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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