And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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