We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
