The maid of honor just puked.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
