I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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