This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
