Screwed.edu
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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