I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
