I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she told me i tasted like america
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
