and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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