i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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