he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize