I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
