Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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