Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
