Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
