Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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