so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
