Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
