An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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