Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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