I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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