Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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