Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
