WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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