Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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