In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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