nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
