I could make wine with my vomit
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
