my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
