I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
It was confusing and full of hummus
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Randomize
