you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
All the doctor said was why
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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