The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
