Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Randomize
