The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
