i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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