Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize