I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
