Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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