does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
