At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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