Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize