i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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