so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Randomize
