Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
