Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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