I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
