You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Sext me about skeletons
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
