Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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