I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
