Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
