You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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