The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
