the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
