booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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