Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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