he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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