Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
