well I can't set my house on fire every night
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
