i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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