At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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