I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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